Today is mY Mom’s Bday

I find myself thinking of you more than usual today

Of how blessed I was to have you for my mother.

The last days you were here.

If you were going to make it through the day,

You, looking so peaceful.

For the day to end while you were still here.

You knew we were there with you.

How much we still needed you and loved you.

To keep you here with us.

It was just a matter of hours, not days.

That you were not in pain.

Not to cry, in case you could hear us.

For strength to make it through.

You waited and then at the dawn
As the sun appeared and the sky turned blue….
You were gone.

Now, ten years later
It feels like just yesterday
That you left us
On that day

I regret not telling you enough
How much I loved and cherished you.
I regret the times I made up excuses
not to come see you in the hospital
for my own selfish reasons
Never knowing you would leave
my world so fast
And you would be part of my past.

You kept everything inside
And passed that onto me.
I can only hope you also passed
Your strength and faith to me.

I Love You, Mom
And still miss you every day.
You were my light
You loved me unconditionally
Sometimes I need that kind of love still
But I took it for granted
just like a pill
It kills me still
I am sorry
for not being there whenever
you called for me to see you
I’d take it all back if I could
I’m sorry….

My wish to Stop Oppression

My Wish – Stop Oppression

Stop Oppression. We can do it if we just be ourselves with out word slinging and violence. Why is it we transpeople feel we need to talk back to a group of guys that clocked us in public? Why do we need to escalate it so it’s another transsexuals death in vain? A beautiful individual working her/his way down the path of peace within her/his self. The peace they will never be allowed over an escalated argument or dating a man or woman under false pretenses. I’ll go more into this topic later.
It’s a minute out of our day that we were name called, but we have 23:59 to keep on our path and the rest of our lives. I say let’s bury our pride and worry about ourselves and safety first. Too many transsexuals deaths come from escalating the issue of hate. We think standing up and yelling back at the person/persons emotionally bruising us is going to make them change their mind or change what was said that made us so mad. I can tell you it won’t. I have always believed you can always catch more bees with honey. When we decide to take part in the word slinging it escalates the hate more and gives them the catalyst to make it easier to physically harm us. Who knows if that day it will be a beating or death. Why play with fire people?

I don’t get why we give these people filled with hate so much power over our lives? We should worry more about what we think of ourselves and what our loved ones think, before instigating a mob of haters. So they called us a fag, a man, a woman, a dyke, a pervert, or whatever lame attempt they can throw at us let them have it. In the end we know who we are and what path we are on. Let him have his view, if thats what it takes to keep us safe for another day. We still have our view, he hasn’t taken it from us. The media hasn’t stripped us of who we are, like they’ve done to so many of us. Hold dear to things in our life we value and love. Remember that tomorrow we most likely won’t even remember the incident the day before. This keeps us safe and gives us the time we need to achieve our genders we need to be viewed as, live as, and love as. Escalating hate in an instant we can have this ripped away from us. Remember time is precious, life is precious, and lying on a morgue table still pre-operative is not a wish I have for myself. My wish is to get these men and women that have beat us and murdered us not to have the option of a slap on the wrist with a thing called an insanity plea. That judicial systems finally start seeing these crimes as hate crimes. We need to stop giving these people the angle they need to be set free for our deaths.

Lastly with ladies and gentleman that go around tricking men and women on dates. I beg you to think of your actions before you keep practicing this habit. I realize you need to be treated as your gender, and maybe you think in your head you can’t be treated solely as that gender if they know. I assure you this isn’t true! Let’s remember our dead. Let’s remember the beautiful teen Gwen Araujo who played with fire and in the end was burned. No she did not deserve this, she was a teen girl wanting to do what every teen girl does her age. It would be great that we were blessed in that way, but we as transwomen have limitations we need to understand this and embrace this. To protect ourselves. To stop our murders. Let’s stop giving these people of hate an excuse to dismiss who we are so easily by killing us. I am sure I’ll get many debaters on this, saying this is cowardly, but dear it’s smart. Why throw away your life so easily? Why do you feel the need to give these people who you only knew for that instance so much power on who we are? This issue goes on a lot with transmen also tricking women, violence is less in these instances, but please remember Brandon Teena, another young transperson wanting to be viewed as what he was, a man. He wanted to fall in love like everyone does, but loving under false pretenses under any admission will never work out. There are those rare and lucky cases where tricking did turn out good for the transmen and women, but don’t base these rare chances on fact or your fate.

Let’s talk about what we should do. Let’s ignore the people that don’t understand us on the streets, and put our anger towards getting our voices heard politically, by openminded supporters, and by each other. Let’s stop hating on one another and focus this energy on getting transwomen and men jobs, opportunities, and equal rights. Let’s try to figure out a plan to make sex work less of a stigma of what transsexuals are and do. Let transwomen and men that have the means open businesses and hire other transpeople. Many are doing this now, let’s stick to doing this. Let’s work on helping our weak and making them strong, instead of focusing on the people that would rather see us dead. Let’s donate money to activist groups that are fighting for our rights in Washington, in our counties, and in our cities. My wish is to become a more unified, caring, and helping community rather than a community that reads one another, because one girl is less transitioned than the next. My wish is the lover of transwomen and men stand with us to battle discrimination and oppression. My wish is to see less transsexuals having money for sex and more mainstream jobs, even if it’s just stripping. My wish is to bring our sisterhood and brotherhood together instead of transmen being on one side and transwomen on the other. Let’s stop oppression now. Let’s use our voices to uplift, instead of defending all the time. Most of all let’s stop our murders, that’s my wish.

Beauty and Transitioning 101

Step 1(Finding you and weighing the decision) – Accept yourself!  Your opinion of who you are is what matters most!  Find solace and a safe circle in support groups, counseling, and friends and family to find yourself.  You could even utilize forums and chat rooms to help you get started.  Any support can be helpful! Especially in the beginning! Being a transsexual a lot of times takes growth, perseverance, and is definitely a little about selfishness.  It’s okay to be selfish sometimes.  You must tell yourself this!  Think about it, the people in your life who don’t accept you are usually basing it on their own selfish views of who you are and should be. You have two choices.  You can make everyone else happy or you can make yourself happy!  Life is short and you must lead your life for you!  Don’t waste your years.  Living with regret is a horrible feeling.

For the insecure ones!  If whats holding you back is age, height, and others saying you can’t…STOP!  I want you to throw that negativity out the window!  Women and men come in all different shapes, sizes, and looks!  If being a woman is just about being beautiful to you, then maybe you should rethink your transition.  Being a woman is so much more than looks!  For the tall girls let me name some tall statuesque women. Tyra Banks, Naomi Campbell, Kimora Lee Simmons, and many more! Does their height alter their femininity? I think not! These names should sound familiar to you. Keep in mind hormones can do a lot to diminish harsh lines, muscles, bulkiness, and it beautifies and softens the skin. There are other surgical procedures we will speak of later.

Step 2 – BRAVERY! Stick to your guns. Don’t give others a reason to question who you are.  You know who you are and you define who you are. No one else does! Some of you may need counseling to get you on a safe and stable bedding. There is no harm in this. While others are fighters and know exactly what they want and aren’t scared to live it.

Remember to always be respectful of other peoples’ opinions, but make sure you put your opinion out there as well. After all opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. Doesn’t mean you need to take it to heart.

When you are ready (Read that phrase again! When you are ready!)  to come out to your family and friends you will need to educate them on the decision, but their approval is not needed! Don’t fight them! Debate, but keep it classy. Yelling and showing aggression will not get your point across.

I know it will hurt a lot, especially with some of the things they might say. Keep in mind some of their attitude is their own confusion, anger, and their own selfishness coming out. Stay strong, don’t let them control your emotions! Let them know how much it hurts you inside to live a lie every day. Keep to how you feel inside and less about image! They may not understand at first, but eventually one day they will come around! Some wont, but every big decision in life comes with sacrifice.  There are others who will support and love you!  Count on this!

Step 3 (Therapy) – I suggest you always see a counselor first, and really understand what you are feeling. I think many times trans-women are misdiagnosed.  They have body dysphoria disorder, rather than being a transsexual.  A counselor will also be needed to further your transition.  A counselor will also help provide much needed support, help you vent, and help you grow stronger with in!  Believe me, you will need to stay strong for your journey.

As mentioned above you will also utilize a counselor to get on hormones and later to go post-operative. I do not think girls should self-medicate. Plus,  the counselor should also refer you to a electrolysis/laser hair removal technician.  You will normally get a referral rate. I will explain more in the next section.

Step 4(Hair Removal/Hormones) – Electrolysis and laser hair removal is painful I will not lie to you. If you have pain killers I would suggest to take them before hand!  I would also suggest to do a mixture between laser and electrolysis.  In between your hair removal treatments I would suggest facial peels with laser or even dermabrasion, because hair removal can be very irritating to the skin.  Keep your skin hydrated!  Drink lots of water, moisturize, moisturize, moisturize!  I would drink 4 to 5 bottles of water a day.  I personally like Clinique “Dramatically Different Moisturizer” and I like putting straight vitamin E oil on my face and using witch hazel for an astringent.  Alcohol is very drying to the skin, and it makes you look older.  This was suggested to me by my electrolysis and it has done wonders for my skin!

You may also want to utilize vitamins to help your skin!  Vitamins E and C are the most commonly used for skin!  It really does help!

Girls may ask where I would go for hair removal treatment. I live in the Chicago area,  so I would suggest Cassandra for hair removal.  She works with Dr. Miller who is a endocrinologist.  She is very good and understands the need and  cost of transition.  Also keep in mind she is also a trans-woman herself, so you will be treated with dignity and respect.  I will link that info at the end.

As far as hormones, I suggest every girl use a endocrinologist, rather than self-medicating.  A endocrinologist will give you blood tests to give you your hormone count and make sure you are inserting hormones into your body safely for your health.

Many girls over-medicate and ruin their sexual organs.  If any of you plan on going post-operative you will want to keep the sensation in your penis.  Hormones can ruin the nerve endings, and not to mention hormones are hard on the liver.   The more sensation you have in your penis, the better chance you have reaching orgasm post-op.

Using a good endocrinologists will heighten you to your fullest feminine potential, by watching your testosterone level and estrogen level, and giving you the right dosage for your body.  This will be the safest way and  you will achieve great results.

Don’t think over-medicating will make the transition process go faster!  It takes five years for hormones to fully work on the body!  I know a lot of girls over-medicate thinking it will make the process faster, but really you are only being harsh to your body.

Pill form you only use a percentage of the hormone, and even shots, you only use a low percentage of the hormone.  I personally think the best route to go is hormone pellets! You use pellets up to a six month period, and it is evenly distributed through out your body.  I would suggest Dr. Odea to all girls, at least for the first year or two. He will do miraculous things for you! I will post his website at the bottom as well!  He is located in California area though.  I think he is worth the trip!

For my Chicago girls, I would suggest Dr. Miller!  I like him a lot. I do not go to Dr. Odea anymore.  I now utilize delestrogen shots and spironolactine with Dr. Miller. I get blood tests regularly with him to make sure my levels are correct. We are working on my own regimen at this time, and you will have your own as well.  Every girl’s hormones are different keep in mind.

If girls are going to self medicate I would suggest you go to this page for details on proper dosage. I would also suggest this supplier  for your hormones they are reputable from my understanding. Please girls follow the proper dosages, and don’t over-medicate!

Step 5 (Clothes, Cosmetics, Eyebrows, Hair) –  When you are ready to go shopping this will be an exciting time for you.  You will be on your way to becoming the woman you always were!  Remember gender is between the ears.  I would suggest studying styles, looks, and fashions online and in magazines.  I would also take your measurements, and invest in some silicone breast forms (I call them chicken cutlets) till you are developing breast or get implants. You can get those here to wear in a bra and they have all different sizes.

Make sure to find clothing that best suits your body and is becoming. Remember your shoulders will probably be larger than your hip proportions.  So your dress size for dresses may vary. You may be petite in the mid-section, but larger on top.

My favorite online store is the clothes are reliable, cheap, and last. I used to shop at Bebe a lot and other high end fashion brands until I noticed their clothes frayed fast, and would end up falling apart. I like great glam, cheap or not, their clothes last. Whatever your personal preference is dress for you!

Eyebrows are the window to the face as they say.  A perfect eyebrow will really bring femininity to your face!  It’s hard finding a good eyebrow specialist.  If I may make a suggestion, I get my done when I go to get my nails done.  Asians in my personal experience do great eyebrows.  Especially compared to when I went to a white girl in a hair salon!  They always seemed to be uneven.  Thinking about it now even annoys me.

Hair will be a necessity. When you are first starting out you will most likely need to wear wigs. Many transsexuals utilize wigs and extensions.  There is no shame in this!  Women do it too!  I would spend the most on your hair!  Lace front/full wigs are the most natural.  I would make sure to invest in a 100 % natural hair wig.  Here is a good website you can order offline.

Girls with hair, I personally love gay hair stylist.  They in my opinion always seem to be the best.  Every time I have gone to a female hair stylist I have always ended up disappointed. They turned my hair yellow or brassy or cut it badly.  They are just not good hair stylist in my opinion.

I love Robert in Chicago at Salon 1800 in Oldtown.  He also judges the Miss Continental pageants, and he is a beauty platform artist for Moroccan Oil products.  They are the best products, especially for damaged hair!! Check out their website you wont be sorry! If you are in Chicago for a few days get in touch with him!

Hair extensions can be put in many ways.  I have done the clip-ins and I have done the dreamcatchers. I love both. The clip-ins are much more inexpensive, but it’s up to you what you do.  My hair now is all natural, but hair extensions can give you a more sexier and fuller look. Think sex kitten!  You can watch youtube tutorials to help teach you how to put extensions in on your own too. Youtube is really a great source to learn tips on beauty!

Make up is an art. You will learn new looks and styles every day. I would suggest every girl own the Kevyn Aucoin beauty books.  These will really help you on contouring and enhancing your face!  We all have our flaws.  I again would suggest youtube for learning, and I would suggest practice, practice, practice in the mirror.  I personally would practice with cheap make up, so you aren’t wasting the expensive. Make-up is expensive when you think about it.

Make up brands I like are Cargo Cosmetics, Dior, Estee Lauder, Smashbox, and Nars.  I am not a fan of MAC foundations, but their eyeshadows and pigments are amazing!  Just have fun and study your craft and face!  If you aren’t sure how it looks jump on a webcam or take a picture!

Step 6 (Surgeries optional) – I personally believe FFS (facial feminization surgery) is a natural process of transitioning.  Unless you started really young or got lucky with feminine features.  A man and woman’s facial shape is different in many ways!  I think every girl should have at least her nose and adams apple done to achieve a more passable appearance.

Adams apple will normally give you away the fastest.  I think the face should be concentrated on before the breast.  Nobody is going to see you walking down the street nude, but they will see your face. Passing will open up more doors for you to be honest.  It will open up a better chance at jobs, relationships, and acceptance. It will also in the end make you feel more comfortable in your skin.

If you aren’t a wealthy executive who is transitioning or have a rich family or benefactor transition is going to be expensive.  Some girls pay by credit, others escort, some model, and many others go the cheapest route and pump their face with silicone to enhance their femininity.  I don’t condone silicone pumping in the face, but many do it.  If you are going to do this, make sure you use medical grade silicone, and go to a specialist/doctor who offers it.  Don’t go to some crackpot!

I would also suggest webcaming for transition.  It pays well, it’s not illegal, and it’s safe!  There are numbers of sites that you can model for online.  I personally like streammate and chaturbate, because there is no chargebacks and there is great traffic.

If you are going to go the full service sex work route, be safe girls! Screen your calls and make sure to protect yourself!

You will probably need anywhere between 20 k to 40 k to do your face and breast properly.  Not to mention you will need to save up a few extra grand for living expenses and more, if you don’t have anyone to rely on. As I said it is very expensive, but your face is what everyone sees.

Go to the best, google reviews and history. Make sure you are going to a craniofacial/maxillofacial surgeon. They specialize in the bones of the face!

Some doctors I would suggest are Dr. Garth Fisher, Dr. Deschamps-Braly, Dr. Weinzweig, Dr. Lee, Dr. Cheetawaut, Dr. Suporn, and Dr. Mayer are a few. Don’t be scared to interview and ask hard hitting questions to your surgeon.  Go with who you believe is the best!

If you are a girl planning on going post op or getting castrated. I would again goto the best doctors for this. Don’t mess with your downstairs and go to a hack job.  You will definitely be dissatisfied! It wont be due to the loss of your penis, it will be due to the mess you have downstairs.

Some doctors I can suggest are Dr. Toby Meltzer, Dr. Suporn, Dr. Reed, and Dr. Menard.  I have seen all of these surgeons work in person, and they did reputable jobs.  I used to work in a laser/electrolysis office, so I saw work from every doctor you could imagine.

Dr. Meltzer, will be the most expensive, but his vaginal skills are amazing. Dr. Suporn and Dr. Menard are both out of the country, but great doctors.  Dr. Suporn, does this surgery every day since he is located in Thailand.  He has much practice and gives great results.

I hope this information has been helpful!  If other girls have things to add please leave suggestions and tips in a comment.  This really helps our trans-sisters out. Thanks for reading

Sweet Kisses,


Links to people I mentioned:

Dr. Odea –
Dr. Miller – (773) 237-7733

Cassandra hair removal – (773) 919-4247


Why I’m a Democrat

I get this question a lot surprisingly as a trans woman. I think it is due to so many of my fans are surprisingly conservative, as well many of my fans are subscribers to Blaire White. So maybe from watching her they think I would hold the same ideology. Yes, there are plenty of conservative trans-women. I actually got this idea from my trans girl friend Veronika where she explained to her followers and trans women why she’s a Republican as a trans woman. I thought I would do the same. I think healthy discourse is so needed in this political environment. I feel we all throw fits and run to our corners, so I want to give the reasons I’m democratic voter.

I am a democrat because

I believe in economic security for everyone, not just the top 5 percent of Americans.

I believe that government giving money to the rich doesn’t create jobs for the rest of us.

I believe government should reward businesses only after they have created jobs for Americans.

I believe in a free enterprise system for the working and middle classes, not just global corporations.

I believe in both limited government within reason and limited big business.

I believe in free competitive economic markets for local and small businesses, not just distant and monopolistic corporations.

I believe no one should go bankrupt, lose their home and life savings, or die because they can’t afford health care and don’t have reasonable health insurance.

I believe in the family; specifically in policies that support the family — like paid parental leave, more support for public schools, a safe and sustainable environment, more prenatal health care, better support for working moms, better day care programs for our children and immigration policies that don’t punish children or split up families.

I believe that my opinions, beliefs, and values should be based on reason, evidence, and compassion, not on fear, anger, and ignorance.

I believe in fiscal responsibility, but that sacrifice should first come from those who can afford it, not from the poor.

I believe the rich don’t always earn their wealth, and the poor frequently aren’t to blame for their poverty.

I believe no one should be homeless, hungry, abused, or neglected regardless of the causes.

I believe prisons should be for violent offenders, not drug addicts.

I believe terrorism is a reprehensible criminal act, not an act of war. Thus the “war on terror” is deeply flawed.

I believe to be great America doesn’t have to be better than every other country, but only constantly improving in providing every American the equal and fair opportunity to flourish.

I believe each person, regardless of race, gender, ethnicity, or sexual orientation, deserves equal respect and equal rights to pursue a meaningful life. That an American is American and we are all born with the same rights.

I believe obviously that overall democrats are better on social issues and rights especially for my community.

I believe our government should reflect most of the country. Our government doesn’t reflect most Americans. It is 2020 and we need to catch up in Washington.

I believe in Climate Change and we need to do something about it.

I don’t believe cutting regulations for banks and Wallstreet helps us

I don’t believe if the Stockmarket is doing good it means the economy is good.

I believe in reparations.

I believe we spend way too much on military spending and not enough on education, homelessness, and infrastructure.

I believe in the separation of church and state.

I believe in Labor Unions

I believe in commonsense gun control and immigration reform

Finally, I am a Democrat because I believe we are responsible for each other. That we need to work together to protect America and its people. All people! I fundamentally believe that our government and the laws it makes should give rights to our citizens, not take them away. That is why I support same-sex marriage and protections for LGBT rights, for example. That is why I think states should make it easier, not harder, for residents to vote.

Back in the habit

My last WordPress blog had over a million hits. I don’t know why I quit blogging through here and went to tumblr, especially now since they are banning all things adult related.

I will be updating this blog regularly with my thoughts, reviews, life happenings, fashion, dating, trans-life and more.

Are you ready to start reading? lol